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Dear Junie – I’m aching for a relationship! Help!

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Dear Junie, 

I have been alone for several years.  I was married and divorced; my children are older and out of the house now. I have done lots of personal work on myself and I feel I have a lot to offer. I have great friends, a job I like but still I am lonely. I really want a relationship – in fact, I secretly ache for one but I don’t want to settle. I’m afraid I might because of how lonely I feel. I sometimes wonder if there’s something missing in me. What do you suggest I do?

Brenda

 

Dear Brenda, (And guys – this applies to you too)

If I were to give a pat answer, I might ask if you have you tried the different dating sites or asked friends to fix you up.  Maybe I’d suggest joining single meet-up groups or sign up for activities that interest you because this may be where you meet the man of your dreams.

And in fact, any one of those suggestions could bear great results – but there’s no guarantee.  And what I shall say next will not give you a guarantee either but hopefully it will help you feel better about your situation and especially about yourself while you are single.

You’ll find him when you’re not looking.  Seriously?

I find it daft when I hear people say, “Oh, you’ll find him when you’re not looking”.  Who said so? Is that a scientifically proven fact? Hardly!  We all know people who are actively looking and indeed do find that someone special and I know others who aren’t looking at all and snap, crackle, pop!  – who enters the scene but Mr. Right. And there are people who go in and out of the dating scene and don’t find anyone at all.

Is it the luck of the draw? Is it karma? Fate?  I don’t have the answer to that. I only know that no matter what your situation is, try not to feel bad about yourself. Why?  Because you could go down a slippery slope such as settling for an unsuitable partner when you don’t want to. Settling is entering into dangerous territory.

It’s one thing being lonely when you are alone. It’s another thing being lonely when you are in a relationship. And if you settle for someone who is not a fit for you just so that you don’t have to be alone, I can pretty much guarantee you will still feel lonely.  Only it’s worse because the person you are trying to relate to is off with his buddies drinking beer while you’re cooking dinner and expecting him home on time.  Okay, that’s a pretty outrageous example in today’s modern world (at least I hope it is) – but you know what I mean. If your souls are not aligned with each other – if he doesn’t make your heart sing – if you already know that before you start moving boxes from your house to his  – then don’t go there.

Instead, take a U-Turn –That’s  a You-Turn – called “loving yourself!” It’s time to give to yourself what you wish a loving partner would give to you.

Two Fundamental Steps

But there’s two critical steps that you need to take first in order to make loving yourself feasible.  1.  Don’t judge yourself and 2.  Feel your feelings.

Don’t judge yourself for feeling lonely, depressed, angry, or anything else about your situation. And don’t ruminate and over-analyze past relationships and why they didn’t work. Instead, whatever feelings arise, allow them to be there and allow yourself to feel them deeply and fully.

Many people are afraid to feel lonely, sad, angry, grief -striken- you name it.  Yet it is feeling these feelings that give space for peace and joy to show up.

How many times have you had a good cry and felt better? It’s actually empowering. It seems counter-intuitive but it’s not. It’s when we stuff our feelings down that we get triggered all over the place and things start coming out sideways. Like harsh words and behaviours, for instance. Like calling a wasband and telling him it’s all his fault for making your life miserable or calling your mother and telling her if she had been a better role model you’d be a happily married woman.  No. Feel your feelings instead so you can stay away from the blame game.

 

Juniequote

 

 

The Not This or That Trap – Ego Party Time!

Don’t fall into the trap of you’re not good enough, smart enough, young enough, well educated enough etc. which is why you haven’t attracted the man of your dreams. The right person will be attracted to who you are as opposed to what you have achieved.   And they are more apt to do that when you love yourself and that’s what you display. People who truly love themselves are passionate about life and are irresistible!

The not good enough syndrome is just what your ego loves. Once it takes hold of that notion, it’s party time! It will bring you memories of every failed relationship, and blame you for all of them.  “See, if you only didn’t get involved in the first place, if you only didn’t say this or that, if you only blah, blah, blah.” So if you find yourself tempted to go there. STOP!

Write this down and make it your mantra:

Even though I am single, I love and fully accept myself just the way I am.

AND MEAN IT!

Become Your Best Friend and Lover

Start being your own best friend and lover.  Give yourself whatever you wish a loving relationship would give to you – and yes, it’s going to be different than exchanging  pillow talk with your beloved but ‘in the meantime’ and forever… fill yourself up with self love in ways you never have before.

Buy yourself fresh flowers. Today!  Don’t wait.  Today before you go home from work. And if you are at home,  go out and buy your most favourite flowers – and if it’s roses and you can’t afford a dozen long stem yellow roses – then buy yourself one stunning special rose and put it somewhere special. (lots of ‘s’s there…here’s one more…succulent J )

Make yourself meals that matter. Prepare your favourite meal and set the table the same way you would if you were dining with someone special – because you are. You! Light a candle, say grace and enjoy not just the food, but honouring yourself in this way.  And no – you don’t have to do this every night – but at least once a week.

And once a week – take yourself out on a date. What do YOU love to do?  In Julia Cameron’s famous book, The Artist’s Way she talks about an Artist’s Date – one of the two prerequisites for doing the course –(which are the processes in her book),  which I highly recommend. The other one is Morning Pages. I subscribe to both.  And they will help you in your particular situation.

Fill yourself up with the things that you care about. What are the qualities that you wish to experience with someone or something?  If giving is something you love to do because you want to feel wanted and it just simply makes you feel good – volunteer your time and your love where it will make all the difference in the world.  Perhaps you can visit a senior’s home where people are lonely and would love someone to talk to or take them for outings – or visit a children’s ward in a hospital or an animal shelter and you will fill yourself up with more love than you can imagine.

Books, movies, theatre, dance, spirituality, being part of an important cause to help heal the planet  … you name it. You can do it. Do whatever brings you joy and inner fulfilment.  Don’t wait for the perfect partner to show up. You be your own perfect partner and watch your life spin miracles. Lonely? Who said Lonely? Settle?  What are you talking about!

Okay… Party Time! With a Twist!

Price of admission: host a part where your female friends MUST ask their guy friends. Just because they may not be your friends’ romantic cup of tea – they may be the perfect match for someone else.  And if it’s gays and lesbians…their match made in heaven could be found at your fabulous party as well!  In fact, your party could be the talk of the town. Who knows? It maybe even be featured in D & A!

Deep down and personal. I have been single for a long time and the truth is, I more often than not engage in each of the steps I have offered you – which is why I can suggest them.  I rarely get lonely but sometimes I do.  In fact, I love being in relationship but I’m not. And to rail against the current truth would not be

helpful.  Instead, I am choosing to live a life I love even without a partner.  Would the right man enhance my life even more? In some ways it very well could – (especially the cuddles) but right now, I am living a meaningful, joyous, fulfilled life and I am seriously over-the-moon grateful for that!

So Brenda – be grateful for the loving friends you have and a job you like and all the other things in your life that give meaning to it and in the meantime (and forever) have fun having fun!

P.S.

Now the one thing I haven’t tried is the party with a twist that I mentioned! So…if you decide to have one, please put me on your guest list … and I have some fabulous single men friends who, I’m sure, would love to come too!

Writing Prompt

Here’s your opportunity to get further clarity about your question from your Higher Self through writing.  Create a special hour of undisturbed time just for you.  Light a candle, play soft music if you like. Breathe deeply and begin.

Writing prompts:

1. I am single and lonely and I feel…

2. Even though I am without a partner, I…

The sweet whisperings of your soul meet you on the page and something shifts. You strengthen. You begin to stand taller and one day you notice that your voice on the page has become your voice in the world.  ~ Junie Swadron

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